There is something profound happening. On the surface nothing has changed, if anything I feel rather stuck. But peculating under the surface is something like an underground stream, flowing with the purest water, never touched, never polluted. From the surface, the only indication that this stream is flowing is the occasional glimpse of a sparkling surface, a momentary clarity. It’s almost like the presence of this stream makes things on the surface seem more solid, more stuck, more of a contrast to what’s flowing beneath. The more solidified things on the surface become, the more they begin to crack, great rifts opening like earthquake cracks; tectonic plates rubbing against each other and buckling as they collide.
Is it really ok to let it go?
Is it really ok to tell the heart she can take over now from the mind? That the mind’s stint is over?
Is it really ok to let it all crumble?
Is it really ok to let it be ok?
Well, we’re in for something different here. My husband Don and I just got around to celebrating our 36th anniversary tonight with a nice bottle of organic red wine, steak and salad. I drank maybe half the bottle – 2 years ago I couldn’t even tolerate a sip! Now after 2 years of i-water I can drink it again. I love red wine – it ignites my passion, my love for life. I’m afraid I told the story of my life. the magical story. I told of the fear and terror and shut down of my childhood. Not knowing why. How I had buried the memory deep inside me almost immediately after it happened. I told of my magical trip to Europe and North Africa when I was 20. How I had many adventures and somehow ended up unscathed, even tho I was so very naive. I talked of the loneliest moment of my life, when a Moroccan bus driver neglected to tell me where to get off the bus to catch the bus to Tangier, and took my to the end of the line, to a little mountain village in hopes of getting me to spend the night with him, and of my rage and insisting that he take me to a pensione, so I could catch the bus to Tangier the next morning at 5:00 a.m. I talked of alternative states of mind, and how they had always connected me to that sense of being alive, of being in the flow. I spoke of a moment long ago when I was so fully present to a litter of kittens, barely 3 weeks old, playing and bumbling in the sun. So fully present that now, 45 years later, I remember it as if it just happened. All this from drinking wine and listening to music.
What does this have to do with MKMMA? Not quite sure. But something to do with awakening to who I really am. How connected I am to the magical reality of being in the flow, and how I feel bereft when I try to be in conventional reality. Who am I supposed to be at the age of 65? Not sure. However I do know that tonight I am that person, not the one I’m supposed to be, but the one I am. Ahhhhh! Life is good!
Just a little tonight – I’m too tired to make much sense! The things that continue to blow me away about this program is the way all the little things fit together, and how relevant it is every single week. A realization I just had is explained in the next webcast, or an issue that has made itself known is magically addressed in the next chapter of Og. I’m really looking forward to delving deeper into using emotions as tools.
In the Journey (cellular healing work created by Brandon Bays) there is a situation called an “impossible bind”. This is when you hold two equally strong beliefs that are diametrically opposed. The effect is like having one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake. I discovered such a bind this week and I’m actually thrilled. I’m thrilled because in discovering it I know I can clear it. From the time I began in my network marketing business, making calls, the essential part of the business, has been almost impossibly difficult. I know this is a common phenomena in the business, but this was to the point where a less persistent person would have given up. My discovery this week (remember this is all within the subby, not conscious) is that at the time of a serious trauma at 5 years old, I formed a strong belief that I had to stay safe, to stay protected at ALL costs. My subby considers putting myself out there, stepping out of my comfort zone, becoming visible, as extremely threatening. I am being pushed to be successful by financial necessity, which is the other side of the “impossible bind”. The very good news is that I know how to resolve the situation now that it has made itself clear.
It’s all the little things we are doing that constantly bring the things up that we need to deal with. So much gratitude for this!
The synchronicity of this program blows my mind. Somehow it always addresses exactly what has been going on for me, even if I miss the webinar and watch it later, it’s still right on at that moment. The insights just keep popping up. I am becoming intimately aware of my patterns of sabotage. Sometimes it’s like watching a movie that you’ve watched before – many times. And it always ends the same. And yet I feel like I’m on the verge of being able to step in and change the ending – like in lucid dreaming.
Using kleshas (Tibetan term for sticky emotions) as tools. Love it! There’s the sense that these obstacles are only obstacles because I feed them. A weird dance of real and unreal. Real because my fear gives me a knot in my gut. Unreal because when it’s not there it’s totally not there. Gone.
“What would the person I intend to become do next?” When I take the time to ask…and to listen…the answers are there. The fear is superseded by confidence. And when I don’t ask or listen there is fear. When I look outside myself there is fear. When I look inside where she resides there is confidence. So there is now a play, a dance between fear and confidence.
We added in a posture this week. I call it the ta-da! posture. Is it training my brain? I don’t know but it feels good. It feels like reversing many years, many lifetimes of playing small. I am making calls for my business. I am talking to people. Ta-da!
I am enjoying this month’s chapter in Og. “I treat each day as if it is my last.” It’s a good way to start and end the day. What an adventure!
There have been some interesting changes this week. The card that we stack the deck with – “What would the person you intend to become do next?” has changed everything. It turns out – the person I intend to become has a lot of confidence, she is an astute business woman, she knows what she’s up to and she is not neurotic! So when I ask what she would do next I get some pretty insightful answers! She doesn’t procrastinate or get distracted. She knows what’s best for her business. Dang! I’m glad she showed up! Since she’s shown up I’ve been making calls for my business and scheduling meetings with people. I signed up someone new today. Mark and Davene – this is brilliant!! MKMMA has finally trickled down to my business. I’m not complaining – the previous weeks have brought up some very deep and very old stuff that needed to be cleared. And who knows what next week will bring? I might have to fire ME and go with “the person I intend to become”. I think she needs a name.
I am continuing to be amazed at how deeply these so-called little exercises that we do go. Two collided this week – “giving myself permission to be happy”, and “what am I pretending not to know?”. I had been feeling depressed for a week or more – which is uncommon for me. I attributed it to external circumstances, but really, I usually bounce back pretty well. The other night I sat down before I went to bed with the permission thing and the question. “I give myself permission to be happy”, and then “what am I pretending not to know”. What came up is “I don’t have permission to be happy when so many people are suffering/have suffered”. Blindsided with this one! I went in, found the vow I made way-back-when to take on others’ suffering, and released it. The next morning I woke up singing, the depression gone like a morning mist. Happiness has to be unconditional, and, it benefits everyone. Moving on. What an adventure!
It’s been an interesting week. I ended up completely revising my DMP and it feels much better. For me the financial achievements are a byproduct of living, feeling, thinking in a more open and free way. I realized I wanted to read the words that set me free three times a day, and let the physical results follow. I couldn’t do it the other way around. For me it’s all about stepping through my fear, my doubts, my beliefs that I couldn’t do it. I have to surrender to some kind of trust in the Universe, and in myself. I have to know I can do that. I can no longer spend the night struggling with the demons of poverty and staying small – even if my physical reality reflects this. It’s do or die. I trust, and what happens happens. I have to let it go.
“I am nature’s greatest miracle.” Yes. How that manifests is really none of my business. This has not been the easiest time in my life, but it is my life. I love, trust, and honor myself, and everything I’ve been through. I have to rest in that.
Diving in… words are not flowing easily tonight. This has been a week with a lot of ups and downs. A lot of insights, and a lot of struggle. And try as I might I can’t come up with anything to say! Look for updates later – as the muse strikes!